The past three days have been a Euro-pop spectacular from Moscow, shown on SBS and hosted this year by the more-than-capable Julia Zemiro and Sam Pang. From their tiny commentary booth in the stands they brought us humour, trivia and appreciative applause for the myriad of talent on display.
Talent is of course a term applied loosely, especially when considering that the winner was an incredibly annoying catchy tune from Norway, a fiddler who kept breaking strings due to his enthusiasm. The inane story was quite sad... 'years ago when I was younger, I kind of liked a girl I knew'. But of course she turned out to be a fairy tale. Apart from the obvious most-votes winner, there are of course other places where recognition is deserved. Here are the alternative Eurovision prizes.
1. The Best Nod to Stalin's Industrial Revolution goes to... Ukraine!
Featuring a mad woman in red (Ukraine has a habit of finding these mad women somewhere), several silver Roman Centurians, some Cirque Du Soleil props and some pistons pumping on the big screen. The lyrics were plain pointless (be my Valentine? She made it out to be more of a threat than a promise), but very funny all the same.
2. The Best Non-Eurovisiony Song goes to... Portugal!
A great song with an enthusiastic ukelele player the only sign of Eurovision madness in this act. The lead singer was talented, not blonde and not wearing a skirt about two inches long. Plus the background screens were adorned with pink flowers on grass. Not really Eurovision, though.
3. The Sleaziest Gumby Award goes to... Albania!
Some mysterious members of the support cast dressed all in green. A ballerina singing. And it came in fifth. Eastern Bloc voting is alive and well, despite the jury system this year.
4. The Christina Aguilera Lyric Writing Award goes to... Romania!
The Balkan girls, they like to party, like to party, like nobody. Enough said.
5. The Disney Princess Look-alike Award goes to... Iceland!
The song wasn't bad but the blue dress looked like it belonged next to the Barbie dolls on the shelf in the toy shop.
6. The Inappropriate Role Model Award goes to... Czech Republic!
Gypsy superheroes don't win any hearts, especially when accompanied by crazy-costumed sidekicks with violins.
More fun in store next year I'm sure.
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